A very primary issue for youth following a traumatic event is re-establishing a sense of safety.

Although it is very common that people feel anxious about going back to the place something frightening happened, it is also quite common that they feel anxious in general.  Having something so frightening happen shakes our trust in the world being a safe place.  It is very helpful if youth can begin to differentiate between someplace that is truly unsafe and the generalized feeling that now everyplace is unsafe.  The following questions – modified as needed – might help children let parents know what will help them “let down” and feel less anxious when at home.  The goal at first is to establish at least one environment where kids can feel safe.  Where they can get a break from the anxiety.  Questions/statements that might be helpful could include:

• “Sometimes when something awful happens, we feel like it might happen again, and it might happen anywhere.  So we feel anxious all the time.  One thing that helps is to create at least one place where we feel safe.  Can you identify one place that feels safest to you?”  (Don’t be worried if they can’t, it is just helpful to have that to build on if they do.)  If they do, ask questions that help them describe all the things that help them feel safe.  What about the physical space is helpful?  Who are the people who are a part of supporting that sense of safety.  If that area is other than your home, ask what of those aspects of safety could be implemented at home.
• When kids are reluctant to talk, it sometimes helps to make them the experts.  “What are some of the things you think other families have figured out that help kids feel safe?”  “How can kids begin to identify the many people in their lives that are safe people?”  “What do you think teachers need to know to help kids feel safe at school?”  (Use examples other than schools that are familiar for your child.)
• Using art can be a way of helping children tell us things that might be difficult to put to words.  Asking children to draw a picture of what helps kids feel safe can give you clues.  Be sure in your conversation about the picture to ask questions rather than assuming you know what they want you to know from their picture.  “Tell me about this part of your picture.”  “What else would you like to add to your picture?”

Concluding Your Conversation: “Sometimes kids think that their parents should be able to figure out what will help, but I want you to know that I need you to keep telling me what you need and want to feel safe.  Let’s talk about this again [when].

With many of the circumstances kids experience, at some point they’ll need  to return to the place where it happened.  For example, if something happened at school, at a place of worship, or at the home of a relative, it might be difficult for kids and adults to go back to that place.  Youth need us to give them a lot of support and perhaps a lot of conversations before they may be able to return.  Consider the following:

• Is there a way for youth to have adults of their choice accompany them the first time or or even the first several times they return?
• Can the activities they do be different than the “usual day” they will expect to have in the future?
• Could they have the opportunity to just sit in the parking lot in the car with you and see how they do with that, and talk about what might help for them to walk up to the door?
• Can they identify the people that they trust who will be in the building or place?
• Are there other activities or accommodations they can identify that would be helpful?

Concluding Your Conversation: “Let’s make a plan to check in each day so I can learn what new ideas you have that will help.”  You notice that the language is framing the conversation toward assuming that we can manage this together; it just might be lots of steps to get there, and adults will need to be listening all the time so they know their part in supporting the child.   Often adults assume they know what their children need.  In cases of trauma, it isn’t helpful to assume.  Ask!  Listen!

Loving parents work hard to protect their children from threat and danger.  Sometimes we feel like we’ve let them down when life unfolds differently than we expected. Accepting that life will be different in some ways – at least for the forseeable future – doesn’t mean that life won’t be “as good as” or “as fun as” it was before this happened.  But at least for awhile, thoughts of the event may come up or fears may surface at unexpected times.  Here are some things for parents and loving adults to remember:

• We can’t talk people out of trauma, or out of their fears.  It doesn’t help to try to tell them why we think they don’t need to worry.  We have to give them the opportunity to work through it themselves so they integrate and “own” their progress.  Otherwise they’re just shoving it down to satisfy us, and it will come up later in ways that will be detrimental to their well-being.
• Although you may feel justified in anger toward a person, a system, the police or other identifiable people in authority, those attitudes and conversations are detrimental to our kids’ recovery.  Find ways to deal with your own feelings without adding the impact of your struggle adding to your child’s recovery.
• We all feel more empowered when we can do something in the aftermath of these events.  Make sure that actions you consider taking add to the peace and calm, and that the outcomes make life better for the kids.  They didn’t ask for this to happen to them, and we owe it to them to help them make the best recovery possible.
• Helping our kids recover from these events takes the very greatest determination on our part.  It is easy to get distracted by our own reactions!  Take a deep breath and remember that the crisis is over, and the recovery is going to take time.  Rather than rush into saying something you’ll regret later, first pause.  Ask yourself how this will make it better for the kids – all of the kids (not just your own).  Once the kids are well on their way to doing better you can turn your attention to the rest of what this event brought up for you.

Concluding Thoughts: “Parents have every reason to be angry and upset when difficult things happen to their children.  But blame and stirring the pot is patently unhelpful for the kids – for all of the kids.  We have an adult mind with adult context to understand that we will cope with this and learn from it and adjust to it and move forward.  Kids don’t have that context, so our decisions and actions need to take that under consideration – always!

Start a Gratitude Journal. Every day draw one picture that shows something for which you are grateful (both adults and kids). You could publish your book on Mixbook and share the link with people you speak of in your book. 

Why This Works. We know that when we have our minds focused on gratitude, positive physical changes actually occur inside our bodies that lower our blood pressure, calm the nerves, and lower adrenaline.

Have everyone lie down on the floor and put your heads on someone else’s tummy. (If it is just a child and one parent, take turns having your head on the other’s tummy.)  One person begins to laugh, even if it isn’t for real yet.  See if it “catches” and others begin laughing.  Trade to others’ tummies. 

How else can you spawn a quick moment of laughter?

Why This Works.  Laughter brings down the anxiety biochemistry.

Give kids airplane rides. Lie on your back, hold their hands, your feet on their lower tummy. While they’re flying, ask what they see on the ground… “Pretend we’re flying from here to the park!  What do you see when you look down?”  “Pretend we’re flying over the river.  What do you see in the river?”

Why This Works. This gets the child paying attention to what is happening in the moment. It also engages their imagination in the best way possible!

Invite your child to the couch with you.

“Curl up in a little ball and lay with your head on my lap. Imagine when you were a baby in my tummy.  What was it like?”  Give them ideas…

“Could you see anything yet?”  “You could hear things, though… what could you hear?”  (Voices, music, noises) “Could you smell anything yet?”  “Taste?”  “What could you feel?”  (Warmth, floaty…).

Why This Works. We are remarkably comforted by happy memories of the past.  In assisted living centers,  studies have found that residents are calmer and happier when the television has black and white re-runs of shows from the 1950s, like Lucille Ball and The Andy Griffith Show.  Think about adapting that concept for your kids of any age.

Take It Further

1. Then, “Now let me hold you like when you were a little baby” and just have them move up into your arms. “Now you’re a little baby.  I’m holding you and looking and you and loving you.  What do you think you could see when you were a little baby?”  “What could you hear?”  “What could you taste?”  “…smell”
2. “Now sit on my knees facing me like you did when you were just 2 or so. How do you think I played with you when you were a toddler?” (Horsey when s/he “rode” on your foot, bounce your knees up and down, talk about how you could lift them up over your head…)
3. You might end with, “If you could be any age right now, what age would you like to be?” If your child wishes they were young, agree to play that with them for awhile.  Allow them to act as if they’re much younger than they are, if that’s what they wish.  Remembering what it was like when they were younger and felt safe gives them a break from the anxiety.  It also allows them to re-experience what it felt like to simply trust in the safety of their world.

Create an indoor “cave” using chairs and blankets or whatever, and take all the things that help us feel safe inside the cave.  Crawl inside with them and read their favorite children’s stories in the cave.  Adapt this concept to other ways of creating a “nook” of safety for them.  Ask them to help with ideas for this.

Take a walk together. Whether it’s around the block or at a local park that is still open, the fresh air and activity will do wonders for the emotions, too!  Be aware if there are moments when your child appears to be less calm or seems guarded.  It may be traffic or something else present that is taking them back toward anxiety.  Tell them what you notice.  “You seemed really calm until just a moment ago…  what changed for you?”  Make honest reassurances about their safety.

Why This Works. Walking is remarkably calming because of how it engages both sides of our brains. Think of dads pacing while moms have babies. They pace because that bilateral movement has a calming effect on the nervous system. So! Walking with your child also provides an opportunity for you to benefit from that bilateral movement.

If your teen will truly observe the need for distance, walk across the street from a friend and talk on the phone to one another as you do… talk about what you see from where you are – the shared sunset… geese flying… talking about things that are in this moment.